Being Sluggishly Inspired

Hey beautiful friends,

I hope you are well. :)

Events this weekend:

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May 15, 2020

There is a sluggish quality to me right now. One that desires to be intense, so I can write something inspired and escape this sluggish state. I do not desire to engage in a more rational type of writing today, where I soberly explore my ideas at the knife's edge of my thinking. So I am stuck with being a slug, longing for a different state of being. But let's not get too cocky about thinking this report on my state is true. I am aggressively sipping on this espresso after all, and listening to late 90’s post-grunge rock that is slowly bringing out my monster side. 

I do not feel like writing anything inspired, but I am afraid I will lose you if I do not try. There is a story in my head that I am doing something awesome here. This story is supported by supportive comments I have been receiving about these journals, and by the feeling I get when I finish each one, which is a feeling of daemonic rightness. But this desire is probably encouraged by my ego, which wants to be awesome for its own sake. 

I want to be awesome in front of you. I want to live like I am burning all the time. I know how I operated in the old world, and there was a deadness to it. A “what am I doing with my life” feel, coupled with a constant shame to be something better. I do not have any of that anymore, since COVID happened, since the Stoa opened for spiritual business, and since I started writing like a rockstar. I am afraid I will fall back into that uninspired normie reality. Normies gotta norm, but I do not want to settle on any norms. Not yet and not right now.

Read the rest of the entry here.

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