Tomorrow’s events:
Relational Exegesis w/ Freyja. Every Thursday @ 4:00 PM ET. RSVP here.** 90 mins.
Shame Breakthrough Bootcamp w/ A.J. Bond. Every Thursday @ 6:00 PM ET. RSVP here. 60 mins.
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July 15, 2020
I have this pissy loneliness right now, with a sense of emptiness, and a desire to drink beer in the rain. I do not know what the latter is all about but the aesthetics of it feels pretty perfect.
Past hurts visited me yesterday. I thought I had this shit resolved. No. Apparently it is not resolved. So now I am listening to I Thought You Were My Boyfriend by The Magnetic Fields and I am vibing with this song hard right now.
The lead singer is gay, and I am not gay, but right now it would be cool if I was gay. Women. I am going to try to see if I can dance around the details but still express the heart of what wants to be expressed. I was hurt in the past, and yeah, women.
I probably deserved all the hurt I received. I did not know what the fuck I was doing when I was younger. I do not feel like that is the case anymore. I know enough about the “sexual marketplace” to be attractive enough to attract what I want if I were to want it, or least I am cocky enough to think I do.
I do want it but I do not want it. As a horny heterosexual man I always want it. As a married man I have kept fidelity to my wife for the entirety of our relationship, but yeah, first-order desires and second-order desires are always at war with guys like me.
The past hurts are here now, and now I desire to do stupid things. I do not want to be virtuous at the moment. I want to be unvirtuous. I want to become the hurt and I want to hurt. I do not want to hurt anybody in particular, I just want everyone to want to drink beer in the rain with me right now.
But here I am getting all meta-emotional about this shit, and getting meta-emotional encourages me not to do stupid things. Chill the fuck out bro, you're embarrassing yourself. Be a Stoic or at least pretend to be one. Fuck man.
Ok. Fine. I will be a fucking Stoic. I will stay with the hurt and I will not run from it. I will live with the awkward facts and unpleasant narratives and I will swallow this hurt and I will move forward with boring prudence.
I can do that. I will make a little home for the hurt, so it can stay and do whatever it wants. I will pet it like a cute kitten and I will listen to it purr, and while it purrs I will straighten out my thoughts, and return to some coherency.
I will not do anything stupid. I will welcome the hurt like an old friend so this cowboy can continue to ride with prudence. If you do see me in the streets of Toronto however, drinking beer in the rain, singing the following lyrics, you’ll at least have a sense why.
You told me you loved me
I know where and when
Come sunrise, surprise surprise
The joke's on me again
I know you don't love me
You know I don't care
Keep it hidden better
Did I say the world was fair?
I thought I was just the guy
For you and it would never end
I thought we were supposed to be
Like glue
I thought you were my boyfriend
I thought you were my boyfriend
***
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Love this. Feels hard. Honest. Stalwart. xo