Entangled Forgiveness
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***
September 20th, 2021
I was smoking a cigar last night and I usually get some really good solo philosophizing done during my cigar sessions; however, my “inadequacy subpersonality” made a surprising return.
I was annoyed at first, as I did not spend a good portion of my summer existentially navel-gazing to have this subpersonality return, especially during one of my coveted cigar sessions. But there it was, so I had to Stoically deal with it. I do think I am better at relating to this subpersonality now.
Previously, this subpersonality completely owned the frame and I began to think from the place it wanted me to think from. I will bring in a Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP) understanding of frames here: a frame sets the context and, like a frame to a painting, confines your focus.
Those who are good at “frame control” in the interpersonal wild are good at pushing their agendas and are the influencers of the social focus. Reframing, the act of changing contexts, is probably one of the best tools you can learn from NLP.
A classic example of reframing is from Ronald Reagan during the 1984 United States presidential debates. Reagan’s age came into question during the debate, as he was the oldest president at the time, suggesting he might be too old to be president. He then reframed with the following: I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.
He ended his response with a Stoic quote about how elders are needed to correct the youth. The original frame suggested his age was problematic, and his joking response switched that frame, suggesting the topic of age itself is problematic, then he flipped the original frame, ending with his age as an asset for democracy.
What a boss reframe. Once you cultivate a sensitivity to frames and reframing, you notice not only what is being discussed within a frame, but how frames themselves are negotiated, fought over, and played with. This does not only happen in the interpersonal wild, but also in the intrapersonal wild as well: the place where all your subpersonalities are trying to capture the frame, to direct your focus in ways that promote the disposition of their personality.
While the inadequacy subpersonality did visit me uninvited last night, I was not dismayed. The frame it offered was to start from a place of me being inadequate and deserving of shame for not being in a better position in my life right now, in the domains of finances, health, and ultimately, wisdom.
This frame used to be so tricky for me. It has this move: you fucked up in the past, brah, so you’re a fuck-up now. On the surface, not reasonable of course, but like a fool I kept playing within the frame, attempting to prove how I did not fuck up that badly, or how I could redeem myself so I would not be a fuck-up in the future.
This time I did not accept this frame. Instead, I shined some love on the subpersonality itself, briefly stunning it, then I offered a reframe related to the wisdom of forgiveness. It went something like this:
Sure. I did unwise things in the past but nobody taught me how to be wise. I am wiser now, and the wise move now is for me to forgive my past self who was unwise.
The inadequacy subpersonality just melted away after that. It will probably come back but I sense this shine-love-then-forgive is the right move. This is probably the right move for all of us. There was no wisdom school we were taught at and most of us were educated and propagandized in ways that encouraged an unwise way of living.
I say fuck it. Let us forgive ourselves for having been unwise. Let us forgive everyone and everything that was a part of making us unwise while we are at it. The people who hurt us, the culture that misled us, and the systems that corrupted us. Let us throw one big forgiveness party and forgive it all.
Given our entanglement, we probably have to forgive it all, if we want to truly forgive ourselves. Yeah. This feels right. I sense an entangled forgiveness will be needed before we can learn how to become wise together.
***
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