Existentially Lonely
Hey friends,
Today was another sweet day at The Stoa. We are building it, and communitas is coming closer each day. I am going to take it easier this week, in order to do some admin catch-up, planning, and strategizing. We only have three one-off events this week, but the Wisdom Gym currently has 10 recurring events, with more to come. Both are listed below.
One-off sessions for the week:
Becoming Better People: Monastic Living During a Global Crisis w/ Jasna Todorovic. April 27th @ 7:00 PM ET.RSVP here.
Human Systems Life Action Redesign w/ Sara Ness and Anne-Lorraine Selke. April 30th @ 2:30 PM ET. RSVP here.
The Dark Stoa: CRISPR as Art w/ Patrick Ryan. May 1st @ 8:30 PM ET. RSVP here.
The current Wisdom Gym line-up:
Writing Meditation w/ Davood Gozli. Every Wednesday @ 9:00 AM ET. RSVP here: April 29th.
Existential Dance Party w/ Collin Morris. Every Thursday @ 8:30 PM ET. RSVP here: April 30th.
The Psychotechnology Playground w/ Bonnitta Roy. Every Friday @ 10:00 AM ET. RSVP here: May 1st.
Socratic Speed Dating w/ Raven Connolly. Every Friday @ 7:00 PM ET. RSVP here: May 1st.
Metagame Mastermind w/ Daniel Kazandjian. Every Saturday @ 6:00 PM ET. RSVP here: May 2nd.
Freestyling Through a Pandemic w/ Tyson Wagner. Every Saturday @ 8:00 PM ET. RSVP here: May 2nd.
Stoic Breath w/ Steve Beattie. Every Sunday @ 10:00 AM ET. RSVP here: May 3rd.
The Good, the True, and the Beautiful w/ Jared Janes. Every Sunday @ 12:30 PM ET. RSVP here: May 3rd.
Mediation Campfire w/ Jason Snyder and Jared Janes. Every Sunday @ 3:30 PM ET. RSVP here: May 3rd.
Oxytocin Party w/ Raya Sun. Every Sunday @ 8:00 PM ET. RSVP here: May 3rd.
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April 26, 2020
Oh man. This has been a rough week, but we Stoics do not have the proclivity to complain. I do not know what I am doing and I want to stop, but there is no stop sign in sight. It seems that I am here to be bounced around, to each emotional reality, as an opportunity to be in the right relationship with them. I bet you would not have thought Stoics were this emotional. Well, we real Stoics are. Surprise.
Right now, I feel a deep existential loneliness, and I am being a total spiritual beta male, and listening to that “Shallow” song by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. I am thinking of the divine feminine, and how fucked up the relationship dynamics between men and women are in society. If men and women, or the masculine and feminine, cannot get into the right relationship with each other, then we do not stand a chance.
Everyday there is a strong pull on my heart, and it is painful, it makes me want to mourn, then it makes me want to go to war, to see if I can move a mountain. Maybe that is why I am meant to feel longing, to feel limerence, to feel that I am undeserving. I have to try to move a mountain. I have to get into the right relationship with the feminine.
The philosopher queens, in their full glory, will not be able to sit confidently on their thrones, if there are no men of virtue around. I have met a lot of men, and most were not fully virtuous, including myself. There are bad men out there, and some are monsters, and monsters make monsters. Yes, this goes both ways, I am not blinded to that fact, dear men's rights activists. But, as a good Stoic, I can only focus on what is under my control, and what is under my control is becoming a virtuous man.
It is confusing to be a woman in this metamodern world. Women do not need manipulative and needy men, who want to stunt their growth, who are in self-denial about the fact that they feel unworthy in the face of the feminine, and who then lash out in hurt. No. A rock would be better, to rest on when they are tired, and fly off from, to realise their potential. Maybe they need a Stoic.
It looks as if I am going to have to live with this longing for the divine feminine and continue to experience this loneliness. I heard the music and it was beautiful, but I will not be able to hear it again anytime soon. Maybe around that bonfire, when we enter the new world, if I am lucky enough to make it there.
I am going to have to get into the right relationship with this longing, and I cannot be seduced into giving into it in the wrong way. I have to live with it, be inspired by it, and transmute it until we all find beauty together, and beauty is found in communitas. We are far from the shallow now, and there are no stop signs in sight, and I need you all here with me.
Ria Baeck and I spoke after her last session, and she kindly suggested I slow down, because we cannot create a new world with the same ways we used to prop up the old one. I agreed in the moment, but now I am not so sure. I will risk sounding like a comic book, because I like comic books: in this liminal war, which is happening in between the games, virtuous men will have to go to war.
I did not want to mention him again, but the daemon knows, and sometimes you have to go slowly, and at other times you have to go fast, and artlessly so, desperately trying to keep your balance at the knife's edge. You cannot measure wisdom, so let us finally let go of that modernist mindset once and for all.
You need to take yourself seriously from time to time, I do not think you can become virtuous if you do not want to risk appearing cringe. My new favorite Zoom drinking buddy, Christopher Mastropietro, said this about my journals: I imagine you emerging from these entries each evening (in your tent on the Germanic front) catching your breath, returning to routine. I don’t for an instant get the impression of a man unravelling.
It feels good to feel seen, especially by such a gifted poet as Chris. In each entry, my photo is displayed next to an image of Marcus Aurelius, the last of the five good Emperors. Stoics advise us to have role models to live up to, and I cannot think of a better one.
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