Being Lovestruck
Hello friends,
Wow. What a packed day. We had four sessions today at The Stoa. Daniel Gortz came in the morning to speak on COVID-19 and Metamodernism (video here). My philosophical brother from another mother, Andrew Taggart, came in to speak on the gift economy (video here). Right after that, we had a session with Rhys Lindmark, who discussed a pathway to post-capitalism (video coming tomorrow).
We ended the night with a very spiritual Existential Dance Party with Collin Morris. It was very sweet and some good stuff got processed for me (I think). Check out this fun EDP trailer that Collin created.
Tomorrow’s events:
Psychotechnology Playground w/ Bonnita Roy. April 17th @ 10:00 AM ET. Learn more. RSVP here.
Socratic Speed Dating w/ Raven Connolly. April 17th @ 7:00 PM ET. Learn more. RSVP here.
Trauma Drama w/ Patrick Ryan. April 17th @ 8:30 PM ET. Learn more. RSVP here.
***
April 16, 2020
I am trying to find the old songs that encouraged me to feel lovestruck, songs that I used to listen to when I was young and had no game. I have game now—or at least, I think I do. But I do not want to use it. At tonight's Existential Dance Party the theme will be lovestruck. And I fully intend to dance in the dark, and process what is asking to be processed.
I do not want to make sense today. I just want to write, and listen to old songs that inspired deep yearning, and build a relationship with that. I do not think I have built a proper relationship with that yet. That is my guess as to why it is coming back for me. I did not enter today with a theme, or a coherent thought to express. I kind of want to say that I love you, but really I want to ask you to love me, and I want to ask it in a way that inspires you to reject me.
I want your rejection. Feeling into why, I think it is because I do not think I deserve your love, even though I have game—or think I do. I think I know how to make you attracted to me. I am a trainer—or, at least, I was—at Dale Carnegie, the company founded by the man himself over a hundred years ago. That man had game: he knew how to win a friend.
I also know how to be attractive to women—or at least I think I do. I have read a lot about that, and I am not afraid of rejection. I am very comfortable approaching beautiful women. I conducted an experiment when I was younger: I approached 100 women in one day, and asked for their phone numbers. I got rejected 73 times that day, but most of the rejections were really sweet. The majority of the women who rejected me had boyfriends and were flattered. They said that I made their day.
Jordan Peterson talks about this here, but he got the number wrong: it was 100, not 50. Yes, Peterson was my therapist for two years, before he became famous, but now is not the time to talk about that. I am sure he will enter the story again, when he is ready to enter it. But yeah, I am immune to rejection. Well, no, that is bullshit. It is better to say that I am bold enough to risk rejection. I sense that I have not built a good relationship with it yet.
I have instrumentalized it to receive a guarantee, a guarantee that you will love me, because you do not have a choice. Peterson and I did a lot of dream analysis, and one of the last dreams I shared with him was this:
I was in a room that resembled our living room when I was a child. I was with a woman who was dying of cancer. She was fake beautiful, done up like a Barbie doll with breast implants and bottled blond hair—right out of a playboy magazine from the late 90s. We were talking about her condition and we had a really good connection. It was non-sexual, but emotional. Not in some romantic way, but in a pure connection sort of way. I felt bad for her and cared about her. After our conversation, we hugged and exchanged phone numbers.
Then another man in the room started to talk to her. He looked like this infamous pick-up artist whose work I’ve read. He started chatting to her and immediately asked her how much, as if she was a prostitute. She then became all business-like and gave him a number. I was surprised as I hadn’t realized she was a prostitute. The pick-up artist lookalike then started to see if he could get sex from her for free. She said no and then they exchanged phone numbers.
After she left, I started chatting to him. He had this braggy vibe. I was rather sad about the whole situation, mainly about how uninterested he was in her condition, which he did not even seem to know about. The dream ended when both of us received a text from her. She texted me a very warm message, indicating that it had been nice to chat, and she texted him her price.
I do not think I have cultivated the right relationship with the feminine yet, but I think I am on the right path. I think I am open to falling in love with you, and it is leaving me raw and vulnerable. How can you be a Stoic if you do not risk falling in love?
My new friend Tyson is coming to mind. The guy has a pure heart. Last night at The Stoa, he said something along the lines of wanting my approval or validation. Of course I liked this, I liked the way it made me feel tender, and I liked the way it gave me a small ego hit. I also did not like it, because now it feels like a responsibility. I do not feel worthy to be someone Tyson seeks validation from, and a part of me does not want that responsibility. But a part of me does.
I want to be worthy of you. I want to earn your trust. I want to earn your love. And I have a desire to listen to my former therapist right now: To stand up straight with your shoulders back is to accept the terrible responsibility of life, with eyes wide open.
I do not think it always has to be terrible though, my old friend, I think it can be beautiful at times too, if we go into this thing together.
***
Gift Economy / The Stoa currently operates through a gift economy. We are offering the Stoa as a gift, for people to freely use during these troubled times. If you are inspired to provide a gift to The Stoa, email thestoa at protonmail dot com. Your gift can take the form of money, support, services or ideas. If you wish to gift money, you can do so here or here for ongoing gifts.