Performative Agnosticism
Hey friends,
We had another full day at The Stoa. :)
We started off with a Psychotechnology Playground with the wonderful Bonnitta Roy (video here). Later in the day, Jack Murphy came on to talk about the Liminal War (video here). And we ended the day with another Socratic Speed Dating with Raven Connolly.
Tomorrow’s events:
Loving Cringe Meditation w/ AJ Bond. April 11th @ 2:00 PM ET. Learn more. RSVP here.
Metagame Mastermind w/ Daniel Kazand. April 11th @ 6:00 PM ET. Learn more. RSVP here.
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April 10, 2020
I am in the mood to listen to familiar songs, not new ones. Rural Alberta Advantage seems like a good choice. They are Canadian, and have that Canadian vibe, which is a vibe of earnest innocence. My wife does not like them, she thinks the lead singer doesn’t have a good voice. I understand why she says this, but I really like his voice. I feel unwelcomed somehow when listening to somebody who can sing too well.
Quite a few people have been reaching out to me about these journals, complimenting the vulnerability, and the authenticity, that they are sensing. Other people have reached out in concern, to see if I am okay. Rereading my previous entries, they do sound a bit dramatic, which is something I want to downplay. The majority of my day is spent doing administrative tasks for The Stoa, responding to emails, going on Twitter way too much, taking calming walks with my wife, and having epic play fights with little Socrates.
Overall, I am in high spirits, but what I wrote yesterday is true, I am experiencing things that are unusual for this normally atomistic Stoic. Again, I want to approach this with caution, but today I have some fuck it energy going, which I quite like. Speak what you believe to be true, and have the integrity to humbly come back and admit you were full of shit if what was spoken was wrong.
I think it first started when I was talking to Stephen Jenkinson. Something he said—or the way he said it—snapped me into a different state of being. I have been having a few of these moments. It feels as though I am popping or about to pop. Other unusual things—at least for me—I am experiencing have included the feeling that a previous journal entry was being channeled, and sensing people with far greater sensitivity.
For example, I felt the sensation of Jasna giving me a hug while reading her tweet, and I’m not speaking metaphorically. I have been hugged by Jasna many times before, and it felt as if she reached through the screen and embraced me, in a burst of the kindred love people feel when they recognize their people.
I feel an urge to address the doubting Thomases reading this. Listen, I am not claiming anything objective, I am just attempting to sincerely report on what is happening to me, and truthfully saying, with non-attachment, what interpretations are coming up. I also acknowledge that I could be misremembering these experiences, and recalling the feelings as more significant than they actually were.
I am starting to appreciate my skill set as a performative agnostic more. I sense that it is going to be useful during these liminal days. I also think that this might be important for the collective. If I am experiencing weird things, I imagine that others will be too. As I mentioned in my previous entry, narcissistic thoughts have been trying to get my attention during these experiences, but they feel like a dirty salesman trying to sell me something I do not need, so I’ve been able to ignore them with some ease.
These narcissistic thoughts were not really formulated thoughts, but felt-senses or proto-thoughts, and if they were translated into propositions they would say: you are fucking special. The liminal is the nidus where people with messiah complexes come out of the shadows. Thankfully, Stoics are not messiahs, but if I am experiencing this kind of dance in my psyche, chances are that other people will be as well. I am concerned about that, because, besides my meta tribe, I don’t know many people who are good at being performative agnostics.
That said, I am going to keep venturing into the unknown here, and I will try to do so openly. I had a bro fight with Daniel recently, engendered in the spirit of crazy wisdom, which I’d like to elaborate on at some point. But the topic that came up was managing people's interpretations, and being triggered when you sense that you’re being misinterpreted.
There is an arrogance in thinking your interpretation of yourself is the best one, but, besides that, I want to risk being misinterpreted, and welcome perspectives I wouldn’t normally expect. The blind men and the elephant metaphor just came to mind, along with the thought that I need to allow myself to be the elephant.
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